You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.
7th April 2012
28th March 2009
My head hurts
My head hurts because my eyes hurt :
My eyes hurt because my heart hurts
My heart hurts because I am alone
I am alone because no one wants to be with me
No one wants to be with me because I am arrogant
I am arrogant because I have an exagerated sense of self success
I have an exagerated sense of success because I have done well
I have done well because I have never done anything particularly hard
I have never done anything hard because I am a coward
I am a coward because I do not want to be hurt
I do not want to be hurt because I am human
I am human because I have no other choice
I have no other choice because I choose to beleive that I live in a world without magic that I can control
I choose to live in a world without magic that I can control because I am afraid of what I might do with it
I am afraid of what I might do with it because I am sloppy
I am sloppy because I am lazy
I am lazy because I am tired
I am tired because my head hurts
There's more to it I'm sure. The funny thing is this helped.
Another song for Imperfect Justice
Okay, so I think this one would be The Dealer's Lament, unless I decide to name the other song, Dealer's duet, at which point this would become Justice's Lament, which is less percise. :
I can't decide if the chorus should be
There will be pain
and there will be sorrow
becomes vengance tomorrow
There will be pain
and there will be sorrow
and Vengance tomorrow
minor, I know, but I think it changes the meaning
And it will rain
ruin and pain
blood will be spilt
the least who deserve it
I offer mercy
but no one will claim
So many seek vengence
so easy to blame
the power's above
they live in wealth and plenty
down in the shadows
people starve on fear alone
No time for love
nor peace or abject mercy
down in the shadows
there is no chance to atone
15th March 2009
Okay, so obviously, before I even think about livejournal rps, I seriously need to work on mastering all the various aspects of posting that I never used before. :
Who all knew there was spell check?
11th March 2009
I just realized that while I check my friends comments everyday, I haven't posted in months, :
2nd December 2008
speckles on a poka-dot tiger
I need a poster board, with pictures, artistic merit, and the ability to edit it beyond recognizion of my group. :
I need several dozen gingerbread cookies and large tubs of brightly colored frosting aand sprinkles. And a baseball bat to scare off the sprinkle-stealer.
I need a 10-15 page paper by monday and a 10 paper by thursday.
I need to prepare for a tourny that I don't have time for.
I need to call my boyfriend.
Am I only only one who remembers the stoy of the sprinkle stealer? a troublemaking boy with chicken feet and chicken wings, who sneaks into people's cubboards and eats their sprinkles? I wear, i even see pictures.
30th November 2008
a sudden urge
I suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to drop everything and become an Englich Lit major. :
of course... I think that's the cold and the cold medicine talking.
I know sociological studies are more interesting than shakespeare.
but I've had such a dabbling in famous literature... I have but to think lightly to recall that, yes, I have in fact read what ever famous book we happen to be talking about.
better this way.
what would I do with English Lit anyway?
23rd October 2008
30th September 2008
Arg I can't get it out of my head
peace peace peace, let this lead to peace :
I always forget. How much he scares me. :
I pretend he doesn't go here. No, I forget. And then I see him and I freeze.
How can I be brave?
When the one thing that truely scares me is a person.
Can I do it?
Can I sit in this class, despite my fear. Last time I switched out.
This time the back of the room is mine.
one down, three to go
I might just be able to pull off my class schedual this year. I need to see how many classes I have to drop, but I have at least one that I stand a fair chance of getting an A, and I have to remember i have the option to switch to pass/fail for some of the others. :
Debate is a massive time commitment, even when not competing with work. It consumes dates and hours, mental capacity and energy. But I do like it.
At it's best, it is a game. A wonderful, challenging game, made all the more wonderful by the fact that I have to work to win, and that even when I play my best there is a chance of losing.
But that means I have to strive for my best. this isn't something I can do without caring about it, you know? There's no point in playing if I'm not doing it for the game.
I need to be more agressive, more threatening. I need to embrace the competitive side of the game, and with it the understanding that the game gets better when I do that, for me and my opponates. In my other games I can be feircely combative and the greatest frustration is when others won't do fair turnabout.
I remember when I cornered Ryan before the linfeild tourny the other year. I had to work the opening shift and work and then go directly to debate. I had a breakdown the night before. But Ryan was saying he didn't care how we did, and it's true, he was real laid back about most things, and I threatened him, finger pointing and all, that I was putting a heck of alot into this and if he didn't care he ought to at least pretend to care because I do care and I need to know that I'm not pulling it alone. That ended up being a really good tourny for us.
I'm not going to write it here, but there are people I need to talk to, to get some things off my chest before they morph into something unpleseant and unhealthy. tomorrow would be a good day for that.
I keep wanting to put off saying critical or "mean" things because I'm afraid of hurting people. But you know, I bet people are significantly heartier than I tend to give them credit for. And if people get angry at me for speaking my opinion, then that's their problem. I have no moral obligation to be significantly upset in order to detere mild upset for someone else, expesially when that deter doesn't solve anything or reduce future distress. Oh the things I learn in Church.
5th September 2008
I am alone, But I am not alone. :
It is quiet, But it is loud
My skin hums, But I sit still.
I can not still my thoughts,
I can not sleep for the noise.
I can not pause for the feeling;
I can feel the world turn.
I can feel the time as it creeps;
It stalks me in the night.
I can see the stars through the walls
Because I know that they are there.
I can see the moon without
letting my eyes to gaze upon it.
the Light leaks under my window sill
I am not alone but I am lonely
I can not see the invisible
I can not touch the incorporal
I can only beleive
and in beleiveing know the unknowable
I can only dream
If only I could sleep.
You make me crazy, :
Like moonlight on my eyes.
I am not dreaming.
I can not sleep;
Messages dance in my mind.
Are you awake?
Flow with me,
Like water in the ocean,
Turning the world
Light still shines,
What have I to fear in night?
Stars are also suns.
Moon lit sonnets;
No such thing as silence.
Dance with me.
25th August 2008
Free and Happy
I've been a bit snappish today because I had this wonderful amazing dream, and unfortuantly, the real world doesn't work like that. In my dream I was like Benny or HB, and I was brave, and free, and could do amazing things because there was no one there to stop me, and I was Happy in the way that only crazy people are truelly happy. Where "Because I want to and it makes my heart sing" actually is a valid reason. I could speak the complete truth with a smile, and no one got mad at me because it was true and if they didn't like it, it was their problem, not mine. :
24th August 2008
LaTasha's Lullibye aka "Fade Away"
I close my eyes for dreaming, :
turn away the world I know.
I leap into the darkness
and feel myself go.
Here in the shadows
with neither will nor need
I can linger in my silence
unaffected by hate or greed.
And no one can reach me
as I fade away...
I feel the world retreating,
it loses all its sway.
And its here I am falling
and its here I will cease to be
and its here in the darkness
that I am trully free.
And if I am dreaming
Oh, then, never let me wake.
There's no pain in forgetting;
There's no one to forsake.
But if I should awaken,
and live to see the day,
I'll carry around the feeling
of when I fade away...
For its here I am falling
and its here I will cease to be
and its here in the darkness
that I am truelly free
And if I am dreaming
oh, then, never let me wake.
There's no pain in forgetting
that there's no one to forsake.
and then, on a lighter note, the chorus for "Medley"
Heres the music, here's the tune
and here's the melody
come and join the dancing
in our epic medley
But if you can not take the tempo
then you'll never take the prize
half our moves are magic
the other half are lies.
25th June 2008
So... I'm being encouraged to write a journal, a real one, with a pen and stuff. but if I do, I will fill it with drawings. which I suppose makes that better than this one. but no one would read the one in pen and I always assume someone will read these. totally different kind of thing there. :
This is either a good week or a bad week. I haven't decided yet. it might be both.
I... dam... I can't write it here. I want to, but I can't, so I won't.
I feel like dancing and ripping my hair out at the same time.
18th June 2008
Three demons and a human off on whirlwind adventures through time, space and dank caves; taking names, kicking but, ripping the souls out of lesser demons and having them for dinner.... but when things go wrong, and food supplies are short, who will be the first to go? the soul-eating demon with the consitancy of a bleech based chew toy, the mind stealing russian-spy demon with psionic abilities, the massive sabertooth-wolf transforming girl who eats breakfast, brunch, lunch, tes, high tea, dinner, supper, midnight snacks AND fourthmeal, or the human healer who thinks demons are merely misunderstood... oh... wait... that's not much of a question is it? :
5th June 2008
I've been awake for 30 hours and going strong
War is one of the worst things that can happen to a place and a people, carrying a high cost in human lives, damage to property and resources, harm to the communities, and long term economic ramifications. Yet, a believer in the just war theory must suppose that there can be things that are worse than war, that there are causes that can justify those costs. The tragedy is that all too often the people who pay the price are not the people who receive the benefits, and rarely are the ones to make the choice to engage with military action. :
3rd June 2008
I'd really like to dye my hair blue. a deep cobalt blue. with a turquise streak. :
But I can't cause I;d have to bleach my hair in order to do it and my hair's in pretty bad shape as it is, so I relaly have to solve my split end problem first.
I have all my dyes mixed for a tye dye session, but because of work reschedualing, I won't have time to do it for a couple weeks and I'm worried that my dye will fade. which would be bad since I don't have enough of some of the colors to mix them up again. Mom made this gorgeous forest green by mixing Kelly Green with Azure. it's darker than Aquamarine and the Lemon Yellow seperates on the edges in a really neat way.
Mom doesn't see the difference between Azure and Cobalt, but the Azure looks almost purplish compared to the true blue of the Cobalt. Cobalt Cobalt cobalt. I love the word and the color. not to mention the code name.
Heh. Imagine if I code named everyone as a color. Would I go for the obvious? Or would I get clever?
Hmmm... I think Kellie Greene would make an awesome character name.
29th May 2008
pirates v ninjas
Pirates. Always Pirates. :
1. Teh L00t. pirates get booze and jewelry and fancy weapons and clothing and ships and wenches (or I suppose cute nerdy farmboys as the case may be), and of course, Gold. Ninjas get what, a fee?
2. Ships. Pirates get ships, nice lovely ships that sail the sea. freedom! tides! stars! far off travels. none of that fuedal lord stuff
3. bragging rights. Ninjas have to be all secretive, hidden identities, sneaking in the shadows. Pirates get to set up shopp in n illicet tavern and start bragging, and the best part is, they more likely to think you're crazy or lying than to kill you to send a message to your "master".
So in summary: Far off travels, dashing swordfights, a Prince in disquise! no.. wait... erm....
Do what you want cause a pirate is free?
28th May 2008
once upon a time there was a bug that looked like a stick. and it climbed up my jeans and I thought it was a spider. then I saw it and I thought it was a stick. then it moved. then I freaked out. then I thought it was cool. :
I used to collect dead moths in jars, but then I discovered I liked the jars better.
27th May 2008
dreaming of lunch
My perfect sandwich might be a nice tuna melt. double toasted multi-grain bread with melted pepperjack cheese, tuna salad made with manayese and pickle relish and chili sauce and black pepper, with a little bit of onon and celery. toped with spinish and tomatoes. cut in half and served with a tooth pick. a dill half-pickle and jalipinio chips, and a dr pepper on the side. Followed up with lemon sherbert. :
or maybe I'd rather have a barrito. slow cooked shredded beef simmered in a spicy sauce, over spanish rice and refrined beans, with tomatoes and super spice salsa, the chunky kind, a little osur cream and avacodo slices. wheat tortia, one of those big ones so it can be wrapped and nothing will fall out. served with lime-lemonade, with crushed ice, not ice cubes, and iced fruit for dessert over vanillia yogurt.
or how about a hot dog? A nice luisiana hot-link, almost burnt, sliced in half in a toasted wheat bun, with spicy brown mustard, and red chili sauce, jalipinios, chuncky salsa and diced cucumbers (no relish). with a can of sprite and a bag of chips. and a oatmeal rasien cookie.
22nd May 2008
I'm so close. :
I almost wish some one would push me.
Because then I could go away and I could call it something other than giving up.
But to come so far and to cease would be a horror, a betrayle of everything up to this point and a forsaking of the future that would have stemmed from it.
Such frustration, to make me throw my hands up in the air. Anger that my opinion matters so little. Sorrow that my fears are so easily ignored.
I feel a tool, manipulated or attempted to be manipulated, not for my goals but for someone else's. Several someone elses. Each pulling in a different direction.
What I want is so irrelevant. I'm constantly realizing that.
I can see them, see the little tiny plans snaking around me. They make me feel so paranoid.
You don't think I know, but I'm not stupid. I can see it, dammit! I can see you.
The puppet only hides the hand, it does not hide the puppet. nor the knowledge of the puppet-master. trust me, I know. hordes of children know I'm behind the stage. they might not know it's me, but they know the puppet isn't moving all on it's own. well, a few of them don't, but in children that's adorable. In adults it's infuriating.
And it all makes me so angry. Because it scares me. Because it causes me pain. And even when I tell them that, it doesn't stop them.